Elana's blog

Self-Confidence

The most dangerous thing about mental land mines is the fact that it allows the enemy to strike you at the very heart, from within your protective social and physical fortress. Here it can easily hurt you quite deeply, where you are least protected and emotionally most vulnerable. So a little bit of explosive goes a very long way in doing a tremendous amount of damage relatively quickly, and that damage creates a chain reaction that continues on as the self-integrity of the personality continues to implode from within. Just like the domino effect, one disrupted and unstable segment of belief, tends to smack into the next belief. The entire string of self-confidence and security, begins to topple, eventually working from the inside, to unravel the entire person, as well as their ability to successfully reach out and communicate and connect to the world in an effective and efficient manner!  

Some of these land mines are something as personal as: “I’m...”  
1 Ugly  
2 Stupid  
3 Not cool  
4 Uninteresting  
5 Bad to the bone  
6 Socially clumsy  
7 Fashionably misfit  
8 Financially excommunicated  
9 From the wrong side of the tracks  

Or it could be social and cultural beliefs about the opposite sex, such as:  

9 Women can sense inexperience, and I don’t have a shot  

10 Chicks only dig hot looking male model types  

11 Babes basically are there for 3 reasons only, money, money and money  

12 She’s already with some dude, may as well give up and walk away now 

13 Ladies only have sex within string attached, committed relationships  

14 The sexy ones only get hot for the “Bad-Boy” (Alpha-Male) jerks  

15 She’s out of my league, I don’t stand a chance  

16 This chick is too popular and cool to notice or be interested in me  

17 I don’t have the social skills to get up close to her  

Love

These are just a few of the “Mental Land Mines” that will blow us up whenever we try to go meet that totally awesome babe that we are just crazy about. Face it; if you don’t believe you can get the chick, you “Won’t” get the chick! If you “DO” believe you can get the chick, you “WILL” get the chick! It’s all about what you believe deep inside yourself, about yourself So the truth is, these land mines must either be (A) sought out and completely destroyed forever. Or, (B) until we have figured out exactly how to do that, we need to at least agree not to go walking through that particularly dangerous and explosive field any more, and start taking an alternative route to all of our social and dating engagements from this point on out! 

Mental Land Mines

“Mental Land Mines” are those negative thoughts and fears, those self-conscious and insecure beliefs that we continue to hold about ourselves, what granny dating sadly feel deep inside is the “Ugly truth” about ourselves, that consciously or subconsciously controls and rules our attitudes and confidence levels with an iron fist. These Mental land Mines, don’t merely slow us down or hinder our progress, beyond simply beating us up and making us look foolish to ourselves and others, they literally “Blow Up” our plans, goals, and dreams. Even our most dedicated willingness and best of intentions to face the music, approach our challenges “head-on” and overcome all obstacle at all costs, when bravely approached and attempted by walking through our personal field of Mental Land Mines, will always end in utter frustration and failure.  

together

So what can we do to stay out of the field of blown-up and broken dreams? Simple, understand that these specific and personal mental land mines may be uniquely our own. But then realize that everyone has their own internal demons, that even the most confident “Super Dude” and seemingly flawless “Hot Babe” has their subconscious fears and negative self thinking working against them on the inside. Just like the rest of us, only they have determined to abolish or at least severely limit the power that this negativity is able to have over their lives!  

So who created these little monsters, running wildly through out minds, consistently and continuously keeping us away from what it is we want to achieve by setting off internal emotionally self-doubting explosions of smoke billowing self-destruction? The proverbial “Enemy From Within!  

Sadly it was a combination of both intentionally hurtful and unintentionally hurtful comments. All brought to you by a mix of well- intended, but sadly misguided and simply nasty and aggressively cruel people. sex dating, siblings, teachers, family members friends, coaches, authority figures, pretty much anyone out there in the world that would be in a position to say something about YOU, and have the inside inner track to actually get you to at least partially let that information into your consciousness. So you’d then accept it as truth about you, and begin to color your world, when it comes to how you view yourself, and the way you interact and relate to others.  

Exact Rules

dating in a right way

The rules are exactly what you'd expect—you can probably find them in any online dating book—and all are designed with a woman's safety in mind.
1) "Don't let him pick you up at your house."
2) "Arrive separately and meet for a quick cup of coffee at a public place."
3) "Make sure the date takes place during the daytime."
4) "Tell your friends where you're going."
5) "Plan an escape—either a friend calling on your cell phone after an hour or a 'meeting' you have to attend later in the day—just in case you get trapped on a bad date."
6) "Insist on splitting the check, so he doesn't feel like you owe him anything."

Must I Tell You What to Do When Life Gives You Lemons?

In one instance, my client Kenneth was passed along after a date from one woman to her best friend, who she thought was a better fit for him. Believe it or not, after going out with that second woman, Kenneth was actually recommended to another friend of hers. Many men would find this embarrassing (Kenneth did too), but the silver lining is that it was sort of flattering. It wasn't that these women didn't like him. Evidently they thought highly enough of him to hook him up with their own close friends. It didn't work out, but who knows? It could have. At least he was out there meeting people, even if he was being passed around like a joint at a fraternity party.
I also have a feeling that part of the reason that those follow-up dates didn't work well was due to the fact that Kenneth didn't take the time to get to know any of these women before he met them. Essentially, he was being set up on a bunch of blind dates and, as many of you know, there are few things more inherently awkward
than blind dates.

dating online

Unfortunately, for many people (that is, those who are not reading this book), online dating becomes nothing more than a dizzying series of blind dates. The reasons are clear: "Hey, we're all busy adults with careers and friends and responsibilities. Who has time to waste with people who are probably not right for you anyway?" So, two emails and a ten-minute phone conversation later, you end up meeting a complete stranger for a cup of coffee. Regardless of whether you saw a picture beforehand, you're still talking about a blind date here.
And what are blind dates, really, but informal interviews? Unnatural, weird, we-know-nothing-about-each-other-type interviews. It is possible to make a great connection with a total stranger over coffee.

It's also possible that I'll be struck by lightning while typing this. There's a reason that they say that the best relationships are forged from friendships—and if you're trying to start a relationship with a brief meeting over a latte, I strongly feel that you're handicapping that relationship's chances from the get-go.
When I first started Internet dating, I did all the things I've cautioned against: writing impersonal letters to dozens of women, taking more phone numbers than a bathroom wall, and penciling in half-hour coffee dates three or four nights a week. It's not a coincidence that none of those women stayed in my life for more than a third date.
Noted dating expert, psychologist, and author Eve Hogan came to my former company one afternoon to give a five-hour seminar on the art of online dating. Eve is a fabulous speaker who really knows her stuff. Toward the end of her session with us, she brought up a series of basic rules that she felt people should follow when meeting for the first time.